You never know what the day will bring.

I am in a constant state of flux, as of late. The only thing I *know* is that come September, I will be responsible for a little one. Where will I be living? Where will I be working? Will he be divorced? When will we get married? Will we have enough money for us?
A little over a year ago I posted: "For the longest time I thought I didn't deserve love, now I think I deserve more than most people have to give. I will not settle. That may mean that I will be alone most of my life, but you know what? I am ok with that. I'd rather it be that way than to live with confusion, doubt, and pain. It's not easy being single, but it's not easy being in a relationship either. We'll just see what the future has to bring. I'm not going to focus on it anymore."
...and I didn't. I stayed true to my word. I was finally ok being single and not focusing on love. I was planning on going to Scotland for awhile to see what that might bring, to take a breather from life. My father wanted me to go to school there. I was not accepted, but I still wanted to spend some time in Edinburgh. I just wanted to get away, really. Then May 30th happened. I was at my mother's, playing a video game, when our water heater decided to break. She was out of town, so I called the plumber. Had I known who it would be, I would have looked a bit nicer. I don't want to say love at first sight, but I knew there was something about him the moment I opened the door. I led him to the leak, went back to my game...commented to a friend how cute the plumber was. I found myself going downstairs frequently to see if he needed anything. Then he started asking questions, all sorts of them. Long story short, we talked until 4 am. As he left, I asked if I gave him my number if he would use it. He said yes, so I did. We hugged....we kissed. It was amazing. As he drove off "the Diet Coke was awful, I only drank it so I could talk to you". That still makes me chuckle.
We started dating....he confessed some things. He is married, and has three kids. Whoa. Ok, I can deal with the kids, for some reason that didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. You're married?! I don't know why I didn't say good-bye, except that he had already stolen my heart. He said he had needed to get out of that marriage for awhile, but didn't out of convenience. He even told me he cheated on her once. Wow! I couldn't believe he told me that. He said it's something he could never do again, the guilt ate him alive. He is a christian man, after all. I didn't realize just how religious he was, actually. He really struggled with the idea of divorce, but he knew it had to be done. He wanted to be with me. And so it was decided.
We had a good few months, then September 1st came. Time for me to leave for Scotland. Originally it was going to be for 3 months or so, depending if the school would accept me then. Leaving him at the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I cried, he cried. He moved into an apartment behind his mother's house and got internet (just so we could skype). The first two weeks we didn't talk much, my dad was still with me. After he left, we had late conversations. With a 5 hour difference, it made it a little difficult sometimes...but we made do. I missed him, but I still enjoyed my freedom. Once my dad realized the art school was not a possibility, he changed my return ticket. So I came home about 5 weeks early. I didn't fight him too hard on that....because I was homesick. Though, I just started getting used to it there...and I just met some people to hang out with. I now wish I had stayed longer.
So I came back, saw Jonathon as much as I could. Got half of my old job back at the art gallery. Less pay, fewer hours. Still, it was something. I ate all the foods I missed (gained all the weight I lost). Time passed...the divorce not proceeding quickly. We thought we would have more time to make sure everything was done right. We should have had that time, but God intervened by giving us a child. I was told it would be difficult for me to conceive, so we weren't as careful as we should have been. I mean, I managed to avoid it for 30 years! We found out in January when I was 4 weeks. I am now 15 weeks. I still have not met his kids, his divorce isn't any closer to being final (further from it actually), I haven't moved in with him, I don't really know where we will be living, I am sure I'll need a better job...so I have no idea what to do there.
I plan on meeting his kids soon. I'd rather they meet me before I look pregnant...instead of just fat. All these things keep me up at night. I try talking to Jonathon about it, but nothing seems to come from that. *sigh* What have I gotten myself into?