Thank God for Jesus.

I thought I was stressed before, I'm about to hit the breaking point.
We STILL don't know where we are going to live. The condo would be great, but no one is confident we can afford it. So, we thought...how about his brother move in with us? That would be $200+ a month that we wouldn't have to pay him for watching the kids, and he said he would kick in a little. He doesn't really have a job...sooo...yeah. Benefit: -He would be there for the kids, and I think that would help them out a LOT. -It would help us with rent. -He cooks. Problem: -We have no bedroom furniture for him...nothing at all. -We won't have any privacy. All in all, it's just for a year. However, the way we spend money...I'm not as sure as I was that we can afford it. Also, I hate that we have to move in so soon. We don't really need a place till June or July.
I have no idea what's going on with the bankruptcy. Why is it taking SO FREAKING LONG?! It bothers me that she works at their office now, too. None of this is going quickly or smoothly it seems. Also, I still haven't met the kids. Today was going to be the day....again, but he is not confident about it. I'm not sure I should meet them then be gone for 4 weeks. I'll just have to meet them when I get back, hopefully I can hide my belly somehow.
Meanwhile, the divorce is halted because of all this bankruptcy stuff. I have no idea what's going on as far as her getting her own lawyer, etc. I just want something solid to stand on. I feel like I'm on quicksand and it's getting harder to breathe. I am more emotional which does not help anything. I am quick to anger and upset. In a way, I feel bad for Jonathon for having to deal with that...but at the same time, I feel like he doesn't really deal with it. He doesn't deal with ANYthing. It's infuriating! I feel so alone in this. Watching my friends and their pregnancies/babies does not help. Why can't we be excited? Oh yeah, we are too busy being ashamed. I'm tired of it. All of it.

I'm not ready!

All right, I'm a wee stressed out right now. Seems like after coasting for awhile, everything is now happening all at once! I am glad for the progress, but not for the timing. We knew all along this was bad timing, though.
We were approved for the condo! I'm pretty sure everyone was surprised by that. We just need to get a letter from his bankruptcy lawyer stating that the condo people won't be included in the creditors. That makes sense. I hope to get that by next week, that's when his lawyer said it would be ready anyway. Money is going to be tight, but I think we can do it. We move in May 1. I should say...he moves in May 1. I will be on a plane to Scotland for three weeks. Again, timing sucks! I guess at least I got out of moving....sorta. There will be lots for me to do when I get back, I am sure of that. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to go to Scotland. Not now anyway, too many things happening. Also, I won't have much money when I'm there and I'm not sure my father understands that. Money Money Money. There's just not enough for everything. We don't even have furniture, though I found some good cheap things on craigslist.
That would be one reason I'm stressed. #2: his other family. His ex asked if he was "shacking up" with someone, he said it wasn't her business. She agreed about that but then told him this wasn't a good time to do that. If only she knew WHY we were moving this fast. She said the kids are having a hard time. The oldest has been getting headaches, and all of them have been writing things in their journals at school about what's going on (which I think is a good thing). If only we could slow things down, but we are on a fixed timeline. I am sure the kids will adjust, how do all the other kids of divorced couples do it? How did I do it? ok, well I am not a good example...that was all around a bad time in my life. I just hope they don't view me the way I viewed my dad's wife. I'm sure they won't like me, that's to be expected...especially with what they hear from Tina. *sigh* I wish we could have done this differently, but what's done is done and we are trying to make things right.

Fat vs. Baby Bump

Well there is a bump, just not sure how much of it is baby. I have gained a lot of weight, which is embarrasing - disappointing - depressing - and worrisome. I hope I am able to lose it after the baby is born. I know a lot of women have a hard time with that, and I'm sure I'll be one of them.
Jonathon and I found a condo for rent. I think it's perfect for us. We won't know if we are approved until tomorrow. I am nervous, because his credit is pretty bad...and mine just isn't as developed as it could be. I know we would do fine, as long as someone gave us a chance. I try so hard to not get angry or bitter at his ex-wife for not paying bills on time, etc. It's not difficult! At least, in my opinion. I mean, it's not fun...who enjoys paying bills? Jonathon loathes even looking at them, so I volunteered to do it. He works hard, I should be able to handle the bills. I know she's a good woman, but she does things that REALLY irritate me. The worst part is that Jonathon puts up with it. I hope he's not like that with me, I don't like a push-over. I want a man with some stones!
I love him so much, and he seems to love me, too. I know he won't leave me, but I still worry. I worry that I will get too heavy and he won't find me attractive anymore. I worry that I'll become a bitter nag. I worry about money. I worry he will be working all the time. I worry about where we will live. I worry a lot. I know it doesn't do much good to feel that way. I just have to trust. I also have been envious lately. Several of my friends are having (or have had) babies this year. Their husbands/boyfriends go/went with them to every doctor visit. I realize Jonathon can't do that with his job, but it hurts a bit to hear the other guys say how amazing it was, etc. He has had three kids already, so maybe he doesn't understand the importance of this to me. At least he's going to be there for the gender ultrasound, whenever that is.
I sure hope we get that condo. I am not a patient person, I want to know now. Also, we need to get the ball rolling. I was hoping to meet his kids last saturday, but that was a no-go. Maybe this saturday? The following two saturdays I am busy and then I leave for Scotland for three weeks. I am excited about that trip, even though people are telling me not to go. This trip means more to me than money. It's about grasping that last bit of freedom before being tied down for the rest of my life. Not to be dramatic or anything.
My pregnancy sickness doesn't seem to want to go away. 5 more months...

Let's talk about the baby...

Almost 4 months in, and I'm still in shock. Sometimes I'm excited, then nervous, then bitter, then terrified, then I'm ok again. I can blame some of that on hormones, but not all of it.
The baby is 4 inches long by now. I can't wait to see the next ultrasound! By then I will know the gender. I am really hoping for a boy, but I will be fine with a girl (not like I have a choice). I just tend to get along better with boys. Also, he has three girls...it would be great to have a boy to carry on the name. Plus, I grew up with all sisters....I think it's good to have a brother. [I do have a younger brother, but I never grew up with him]. We have a name for a girl "Cosette Elisabeth Boehm". Nothing for a boy yet. I hope that's not a bad sign. ha! [edit:thinking about Brandon Thomas Boehm...?]
Morning sickness was pretty bad up until a couple weeks ago. I was feeling a lot better! Then this week it all came back. Not sure why, but I'm hoping it goes away again....and soon. My belly is growing fast, most of it fat. I've gained more than I should have, and it makes me very self-conscious. Jonathon still says I'm beautiful. :) I really don't feel like it. I am not looking forward to the summer. I'm going to be huge and hot. I'm already warm all the time, and I don't deal with heat well. My body was not made for it. I have already bought some maternity clothes and I've been wearing the biggest clothes I own. I'm already looking forward to losing this weight.
I have moments of selfishness when I think "there goes my freedom" and "ugh, the responsibility!", but those thoughts are waning as I think about having a piece of me grow up and what they might become. I hope I create a wonderful person. We....I hope we create a wonderful person. I have to remember I'm not in this alone. Life just got so much harder, and it's only going to get more difficult. I hear it is rewarding, though. It's time I grew up anyway.

You never know what the day will bring.

I am in a constant state of flux, as of late. The only thing I *know* is that come September, I will be responsible for a little one. Where will I be living? Where will I be working? Will he be divorced? When will we get married? Will we have enough money for us?
A little over a year ago I posted: "For the longest time I thought I didn't deserve love, now I think I deserve more than most people have to give. I will not settle. That may mean that I will be alone most of my life, but you know what? I am ok with that. I'd rather it be that way than to live with confusion, doubt, and pain. It's not easy being single, but it's not easy being in a relationship either. We'll just see what the future has to bring. I'm not going to focus on it anymore."
...and I didn't. I stayed true to my word. I was finally ok being single and not focusing on love. I was planning on going to Scotland for awhile to see what that might bring, to take a breather from life. My father wanted me to go to school there. I was not accepted, but I still wanted to spend some time in Edinburgh. I just wanted to get away, really. Then May 30th happened. I was at my mother's, playing a video game, when our water heater decided to break. She was out of town, so I called the plumber. Had I known who it would be, I would have looked a bit nicer. I don't want to say love at first sight, but I knew there was something about him the moment I opened the door. I led him to the leak, went back to my game...commented to a friend how cute the plumber was. I found myself going downstairs frequently to see if he needed anything. Then he started asking questions, all sorts of them. Long story short, we talked until 4 am. As he left, I asked if I gave him my number if he would use it. He said yes, so I did. We hugged....we kissed. It was amazing. As he drove off "the Diet Coke was awful, I only drank it so I could talk to you". That still makes me chuckle.
We started dating....he confessed some things. He is married, and has three kids. Whoa. Ok, I can deal with the kids, for some reason that didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. You're married?! I don't know why I didn't say good-bye, except that he had already stolen my heart. He said he had needed to get out of that marriage for awhile, but didn't out of convenience. He even told me he cheated on her once. Wow! I couldn't believe he told me that. He said it's something he could never do again, the guilt ate him alive. He is a christian man, after all. I didn't realize just how religious he was, actually. He really struggled with the idea of divorce, but he knew it had to be done. He wanted to be with me. And so it was decided.
We had a good few months, then September 1st came. Time for me to leave for Scotland. Originally it was going to be for 3 months or so, depending if the school would accept me then. Leaving him at the airport was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I cried, he cried. He moved into an apartment behind his mother's house and got internet (just so we could skype). The first two weeks we didn't talk much, my dad was still with me. After he left, we had late conversations. With a 5 hour difference, it made it a little difficult sometimes...but we made do. I missed him, but I still enjoyed my freedom. Once my dad realized the art school was not a possibility, he changed my return ticket. So I came home about 5 weeks early. I didn't fight him too hard on that....because I was homesick. Though, I just started getting used to it there...and I just met some people to hang out with. I now wish I had stayed longer.
So I came back, saw Jonathon as much as I could. Got half of my old job back at the art gallery. Less pay, fewer hours. Still, it was something. I ate all the foods I missed (gained all the weight I lost). Time passed...the divorce not proceeding quickly. We thought we would have more time to make sure everything was done right. We should have had that time, but God intervened by giving us a child. I was told it would be difficult for me to conceive, so we weren't as careful as we should have been. I mean, I managed to avoid it for 30 years! We found out in January when I was 4 weeks. I am now 15 weeks. I still have not met his kids, his divorce isn't any closer to being final (further from it actually), I haven't moved in with him, I don't really know where we will be living, I am sure I'll need a better job...so I have no idea what to do there.
I plan on meeting his kids soon. I'd rather they meet me before I look pregnant...instead of just fat. All these things keep me up at night. I try talking to Jonathon about it, but nothing seems to come from that. *sigh* What have I gotten myself into?