ramble.

Feeling so anxious and sad. I think I am ready to deal with things now. I'm ready to feel the pain and let it out. I just don't know how to start.
Right now, I feel I'm on the verge of breaking down...which would really be a good thing. However, I am forever watching my son. Even when he is napping, I cannot let go. I need to go somewhere alone for a whole day. I'm not sure when that'll happen.

The closer I get to my "due date", the more I am thinking about what things would have been like had I not lost the baby. A part of me is sad, of course. When I see babies on TV or at the store or when I'm working the nursery...I get a sinking feeling, like I'm missing something. I feel like I have so much more love to give. Jonny is not a cuddler, but I'm always trying to hug him and kiss him as much as I can. Another part of me is relieved still, because I do not know what I would do with Jonny and a baby. I might actually lose my mind. I know we don't have the finances, either. We are too old. We are too cramped. Etc, etc, etc. I can't help but think God would find a way if it were to happen, though.

I wish I weren't always tired. I want to be an active participant in my life...and the kids...and my husband. I feel like I'm just watching it go by from the outside. There goes another day. Not sure what I feel like my end goal is. I do not sieze the moment. I just live day to day, waiting to go to bed. I believe they call that depression. Yes, I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I am taking a low dose of lexapro, but it isn't working so well anymore. I really would like to not take anything, but all this repressed sadness and depression comes out in the form of anxiety and anger. I snap at people and I feel like a nervous wreck...it is horrible. The drug helps with that at least.

I am rambling. I need to see a professional, or at least get out more! I have 4 hours by myself on thursday, not sure what I'll do!

I just pray things go up from here.

I'm just going to get right into it. These last few months have been the most difficult time in my life. I've been wanting to blog for quite awhile, but I always put it off. I don't know why, it's my way of venting. It's almost like I don't want to feel better.

Anyway, as my last post stated...my father is in trouble. Well, the wait was nearly torturous, but he pled guilty and in October was sentenced to 10 years. Honestly, I was expecting 20...so it was a bittersweet moment. Hopefully he will get out before the 10 years and have a little life left to spend with his kids. Prison itself will be $300+ a month. Not sure who is going to pay for that! None of us are well off, and he doesn't have money. One thing to worry about later, I suppose. I haven't even dealt with much of it yet. He shattered my trust. I find myself questioning people and things a lot more.

Prior to that, in August, Jonathon and I concieved a child. Right after it happened, I just knew. I ignored it until it was time to start worrying. That was the day to move stuff out of my dad's house. So there I was, feeling a bit light headed carrying heavy boxes in and out and up and down a hot house...loaded with caffiene. I was tired, blaming it on PMS, but I just knew. So the next day I get a pregnancy test. It was faint, but there was that familiar terrifying line. I was silently freaking out. I kept thinking about money, space, my sanity. We don't have a big enough car for all of us right now...even our condo is too small. My biggest concern was money and sanity, though. I have been battling depression for as long as I can recall, but in the past couple years it has been a very hard fight. I couldn't imagine taking care of a baby and Jonny. He is such a handful! That would be 5 kids total...when the girls are over. It was inconcievable (no pun intended). This all happened during Jonathon and my 1 year anniversary. It was not a pleasant dinner. I had so much anxiety I felt like I could have jumped out of my skin at any moment. I was snapping at him and Jonny over everything and I hated it. Talking to Jonathon did no good. I had my first dr appt and I completely broke down. I told her that I even considered aborting...which I can barely write to admit. I was at my wit's end. She told me right away that that was not a good decision for me, because I would regret it forever. She was right, there was no way I could do that. She prescribed me some lexapro...a small dose. It worked though. I could feel my anxiety ease and I was starting to get excited about the baby. It would be great for Jonny to have a little playmate. He is so good around babies. :)

September starts, Jonathon is finally having surgery for his hernias. He is to be off work 6 weeks. For a few weeks he couldn't even pick up Jonny. So now I'm taking care of everyone. The day of his surgery I start bleeding and cramping heavily. I called the dr and they said to keep my appt for that thursday (his surgery was on a monday). So I waited it out and didn't take any pain meds. Those were the longest 4 days, I tell you. It's hard to take care of someone who is healing while you are hurting. That thursday morning I miscarried. It was odd. I was scared, confused, and a little relieved. I hate to say that I was relieved, but it's true. At first I just wanted to forget about it, but the more I tried that the worse I felt. It was as if everyone was forgetting about it and I didn't like it.

During Jonathon's medical leave, we did not have any income. Short term disability was denied. He had no vacation or sick pay. Thank The Lord for my family. A few gifts REALLY made the difference. Without their help, it would have been even worse. Plus the whole time he was debating whether to stay with his job or take a new one. This put a lot of stress on both of us. We could have been trying to enjoy his time off as best we could, but no.

All that happened before my dad's sentencing...so I had that to worry about, too. Not to mention the normal stress of raising kids, paying bills, keeping a house in order, etc. I keep gaining weight and I have 0 energy to do anything about it.

Oh right, almost forgot...Jonny's birthday party. I had minimal time, attention, or money to spend on it. I wanted it to be good though! I rented a shelter at the park again. It was the only rainy day in awhile - figures. I had the party between mealtimes, so I could keep it light with snacks. It was a Super Why theme (he loves that show). So I had snacks and desserts dedicated mostly to the alphabet. Anyway, Jonathon's family throws parties a little differently. They have huge meals and lots of people. That's not how I do things, so to a certain person...it wasn't good enough. This person actually snubbed their nose and said something about it! I about cried. Have a little empathy! I have yet to talk to them about it, and I am not sure if I will. It hurt a lot, though. Like I didn't have enough going on? Ok, I'm still upset about that.

I am just now trying to start to heal. I am asking Jesus for help, because he is all I really have. My marriage isn't doing well. My lexapro isn't working anymore. My son is what keeps me going. I love him with all my heart. That's about it for now.

Wedding vows, character testimony, and a 10 month old

No excuses, I just haven't updated in forever. Life happens too fast sometimes! Between jonny, the girls, Jonathon, and my dad's legal issues...I don't get much of a break.

Jonny is 10 months old. So it's been 6 months since I last wrote. He has changed a lot since then, as well. Once we changed his formula and started adding rice cereal to his bottles, he plumped up! He finally started gaining weight, and he is just a big boy. He's not chubby so much, but tall and thick. He is now 30" long and 22+ lbs. Heavy!

He also stopped taking a pacifier about then. At first that bothered me because I couldn't quickly soothe him, but we both learned other ways. I'm glad now that I don't have to worry about weaning him from the paci. He doesn't suck his thumb either, which I thought for sure he would. You just can't predict babies!

He's a kicker. He's been kicking those feet since he knew he could. Makes changing time interesting. He isn't walking yet, but he creeps and cruises. He started crawling at 7 months, standing at 8 months, and now he's working on taking steps. I think he wants to run first,it is exciting to watch. I hope I magically get the energy to keep up with him.

He has been healthy overall. He had the one hospital stay that was in a previous post, and he (we) got a cold after that. I am happy to say he's been good otherwise.

We started babyfood at 6 months. He is a good eater, there isn't anything he spits out. haha He loves his veggies and his fruit and meats. We are working on textured foods at the moment, but he still gags and throws up when we try. He does well with the puffs though. I am not sure how or when to get him started on milk vs formula. Especially since he is on nutramigen. I hope his milk allergy is gone. I have found out he has reactions to sweet potatoes, mango, and squash. So, we try to avoid those. I feel bad that he is still on stage 2 babyfood, but it's not like he will never learn how to eat real food, right?

Unfortunately, he and I don't get out much. It has been a very hot summer and I just don't do well with heat...and I see that he doesn't either. Poor guy got my temperature sensitivity. :( I hope I'm not turning him into a hermit!

We had the girls about half the summer. That was interesting, and I think it worked pretty well actually. It was admittedly tough going from one baby to 4 kids. They are good girls, though. Could have been waaaaay worse. I am thankful to Jonathon's ex for producing some good kids. :)

Speaking of Jonathon, we are getting married this month. Going to get the license this week, then my mom is going to perform the ceremony. It's not going to be anything big. I was just going to go to the jop, but my mom wants us to make it more special than that. I feel like I'm already married, so it's all the same to me. We don't have money for a wedding, maybe someday.

My dad has been on my mind a lot lately. In april he was accused of misappropriating $2.5 million of his clients money. It's a mess. He was forced to stop practicing law, his homes are being foreclosed upon, his accounts are frozen. He is to plead next week and sentencing will be probably around the end of the year. He claims his innocence overall. I just have a hard time believing he could do that, but I know money corrupts. There are a LOT of famous and good people that did bad things. I love him, he is my dad. I will testify for his character, but I'm not sure it will help. I feel awful for his clients. I am glad my parents taught me good ethics and morals. I probably won't speak of this again until I know more.

I love Jonny Fox so much. Depsite our money being extremely tight, and all the other stresses of life...I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to listen to what God's plan is for me, then I will have a start.

Fox, Jonny Fox

I feel awful that it's been so long since I've written. Not that anyone else reads it, but I want to keep a record of things for myself and Jonny. He is 4 months old now and has had so many firsts already! First Thanksgiving, Christmas, church service, funeral (unfortunately he has had 2 of those already). He rolls, smiles, baby talks, raspberries, giggles sometimes, cries, spits up, all the usual baby things. I was proud of him for rolling over both ways by 3-3.5 months though. :) My days are filled with feedings, readings, sleeping, playing, and calming.
He's been a grumpy gus lately. Not sure if it's a growth spurt or teething or what! Dr appt thursday, so we'll see.


There is one first we could have done without. First hospital stay since he was born. First came the eczema, then the loose stools a week later, then another week goes by and the vomiting started. At that point I believe he either had a GI bug or a milk allergy that had gotten that bad. I believe it was an allergy because of the sypmtoms that started weeks earlier. In any case he got very dehydrated and I took him to the hospital. It was pretty awful. We waited 3 hours or more in the ER then he was finally seen. They said he needed an IV, which broke my heart, and they had to try 3 times to get it in. I was livid. It still angers me sometimes to think about it. The IV was the most painful thing I remember going through, and that includes labor...so to think they had to do that to him 3 times! ugh, I just hated it for him. I couldn't stay in the room. He much improved at the hospital after staying overnight and getting lots of fluids. I took him home the next evening. The following day he vomited again. That was a very long week of pedialyte, different formulas, and much crying. We now have him on nutramigen, which is quite expensive, but it does seem to help a little. His dirty diapers have not improved much, and that's with rice cereal added to his formula.


All in all, I just hope he's getting all the nutrients he needs. He really is amazing. I couldn't love him more. I say that, but then the next day comes and I do.

pics top to bottom, left to right 1.) Jonny at O'Charley's 4 months  2.) Gma Mel with Jonny 4 months 3.) Jonny eating bananas 3 months 4.) Christmas with the Boehm's 5.) Paige, Grace, Jonny, Karissa 6.) Daddy and Jonny at hospital 7.) Jonny at the Hospital 8.) Mommy and Jonny December 2011

Born 6:52 am 9/30/11, 8lbs 3oz, 22 inches long

What a big boy! Well...his head was anyway (14cm). Jonny Fox Boehm was born 7 weeks ago and I am just now writing about it. I guess you could say I've been busy.


7 weeks earlier....
9/29/11
9:30 am, was in triage with cramping/labor...dilated to 2 cm.
3:00 pm, admitted into the hospital, was not leaving without a baby!
3:30 pm, nurses kept poking me to start an IV...the most painful experience I can remember. They finally brought in the guy that later did my epidural. I had bruises all over my hands and arms for weeks.
4:00 pm, started pitocin (to produce stronger contractions)
6:00 pm, got an epidural (didn't work the way it was supposed to)
8:00 pm, 4 cm and "relaxing" with Jonathon
9:00 pm, water broke (heard and felt it pop, so weird!)
9/30/11
2:00 am, started pushing. This hurt a great deal and I had to stop at least 4 times for puking episodes (which I was afraid was going to happen).
4:00 am, stopped pushing and rested
4:45 am, started pushing again. No progress. I was fully dilated and Jonny was low...but his head just wouldn't fit through my pelvis.
6:30-ish am, was taken to get a c-section.
6:52 am, I heard the first cries of little Jonny Boehm. It was quite an experience!

The whole time Jonathon was by my side...he held one leg while I pushed, held my hair and bucket while I got sick., and held my hand while I was cut open. I was so embarrassed and knew that it had to be awful to be in his situation - though maybe not as bad as mine. Considering it was a 24 hour labor and delivered so early, we did not have visitors until after he was born. Most of me is ok with that, but a little part of me wishes someone else were there....not sure who, just someone. Nobody could have known that though, because I told them all they didn't need to visit. I didn't want them to sit around and be bored. I had no lack of visitors for the following few days, though.

I don't think I have ever been more tired in my life. I could have fallen asleep at the drop of a pin! With the long labor, visitors, constant nurses, and now a newborn in the room....there was not much sleep to be had. I tried breastfeeding, but I just knew he wasn't getting enough food (though everyone said he was). By the time we left the hospital I was supplementing with formula...which I know is common. Jonny had to go to his dr the day after we were released from the hospital...mostly because he had lost over a pound and they wanted to check his bilirubin again (we had to use the bili-blanket in the hospital because of jaundice). I was told to supplement even more. I used a bottle to feed him the formula since it was so much, that was a bad idea. He took right to it, and no longer wanted me. So I tried to pump and feed him that through a bottle...but I wasn't getting enough. This was a very emotional time anyway, and I took it as him rejecting me.....rationally I know it wasn't personal, but it felt like it was. This was all in the first week home...STRESS! I had never been around babies, so I was (am) constantly learning.

He's constantly growing and changing. It's pretty amazing! He is adorable, I couldn't have asked for a cuter baby. He looks mostly like Jonathon, but he has my eyes. :) I haven't stopped worrying about him since I heard his first cry. I worry about his head getting flat (I bought a special pillow, seems to help). I worry about him spitting up a lot. I worry about him being gassy and in pain. I worry about him eating enough. I worry when he coughs. I worry, worry, worry. Even when his daddy is here watching him so I can have a few minutes....I worry. I wonder if a parent ever stops worrying?

 

"full term"....scary phrase!

These days 37 weeks is full term. That means, it really could be any day that little Jonny will show himself. Yes....Jonny. I think we finally decided on Jonathon Fox Boehm. I had to have the Fox in there...would probably be better as Jonathon Foxworth Boehm...but daddy wasn't going for that. I just hope things don't get too confusing. Jonny Fox...that's just cool! right?

So here's an update. Jonathon is finally divorced! He's been very quiet about it...maybe he doesn't know how to react. I mean, to celebrate seems wrong...but we are relieved he is divorced before Jonny got here. This will be my last weekend to stay at my mom's. After that, when the kids are over...I will be there. I know Tina will be very upset, but I might have a newborn by then! I'm not packing up myself and a newborn every other weekend until we are married (and I'm not sure when that will be). Sorry! I do want to talk to the girls and let them know what's going on, though. I want them to know that we understand what they are going through, that we are sorry for putting them through it all, that we know we aren't doing things the right way, and that this is the way it will be from now on. I do think they like me, but they are each processing it in their own way. Lord help us all!

I saw an ultrasound of the baby a few days ago. It kinda freaked me out actually. Things are pretty cramped in there, so it's hard to see things clearly. I saw his face, but it looked creepy with the ultrasound. It was interesting to watch his little mouth suck on his lip. Last time he was sucking his thumb...I wonder if that's why he gets hiccups so much. Anyway, I think he has his daddy's nose...which is ok because he's a boy. Otherwise, we might have had to start saving for surgery. jk  I like his nose :)

Physically, I am exhausted all the time. Tired, uncomfortable, have to pee every 5 minutes, heartburn/acid reflux, nausea, always hot, pubic symphysis dysfunction, swollen everything, over-fullness after eating...etc. Mentally, I am forgetful, worried, anxious, excited, nervous, scared, eager. I just don't want to screw up.

I don't feel like I've bonded with him in the last 9 months the way I should have. I think it's because I've been too scared about everything. What a pity. I am sure I will feel differently when he is here. I like to watch and feel my belly move...even though it is still so weird! It makes me wonder what he's doing in there.

I had to put my two weeks in at the gallery. I won't be able to afford to work here after Jonny is born. It's not enough to pay for daycare. *sigh* I hope we can do this. So many worries. I know people have done it with less...I just never thought I would be there.

Hard to believe the next time I write, there may be another little one in the world!

Almost 30!

Weeks that is. Hard to believe I'll be 31 years old when he is born. Seems like a late start, but not too late. I guess in that regard, timing wasn't all that bad. Everything else, timing has been awful!
We have told the girls they are going to have a baby brother. So far, they seem really excited! We'll see if it lasts. I feel bad that I can only handle so much of them right now. It's just very overwhelming! It doesn't help that I've not been well lately. This pregnancy has greatly exacerbated my Sacroiliac Joint pain/dysfunction. If you don't know what that is, it's pretty much like someone is stabbing you in the back (to the right or left of your tailbone) every time you move. It got to the point of not being able to walk without great pain. At the moment, it has improved...I hope it stays that way. I think being able to rest this past weekend helped. The doc gave me some painkillers, but I was/am hesitant to take them. They made me sick and who knows really what they are doing to the baby. So...I only use those when it is necessary.
I must mention the heat. It is unbearable! I knew summer would be a problem (it usually is sans pregnancy). Yesterday the heat index was over 112...mostly because of humidity. The temp was in the 90's though...still very hot! Today is not better...and looking at the forecast next week is going to be worse. WORSE?! Yeah, I'm staying inside as much as possible. I'm already cooking a baby, I don't want to cook myself too.
Money issues are as usual - tight. We are doing ok right now, though. My mother, she has been such a help to me (us). She is tough, but she has really come through. Thank God for her and everyone else who has helped us. It makes life a little bit easier, and boy could I use some easy right now!
Baby shower is next month. I'm nervous, really not used to all that attention...nor do I care for it. I am very appreciative of all those who come, though. I didn't even know I knew that many women! Jonathon's mother has invited a couple people and my brain is too stupid to remember them. :( I know I met them memorial day, but I am awful with names. She didn't take that well. I can't win.
The divorce decree is finally written. That took WAY too long. Now we just have to get his (soon to be) ex to agree to it then finalize it. It will be nice to have that over with...though I know it will never really be over. I just want him to not be married to someone else when our boy comes. Insurance-wise, it works out best that we won't be married yet, though. Sad but true.
Our baby is still a no-name. Nothing seems to fit! We know we want the initials to be JTB. We just don't know the first name yet. We need to stop asking other people and just come up with something ourselves, if they don't like it - too bad. I'm already compromising by giving him a J name. Julian? Joel? Jude? They don't like those. I still like Joshua, even if it's not unique. I hate to wait until he's born.
I still love Jonathon to pieces. Things get frustrating and sometimes he doesn't help, but overall he has been wonderful lately. I can tell we love each other so much. It's going to get harder, but I think we have what it takes to get through it. <3

Another month goes by...

I get bigger, the bank accounts get smaller.
We have finally moved in. Of course, we had to buy things for the new place...considering we had nothing. Thanks to my mom for letting us use some of her furniture. She has given quite a bit, I am very appreciative. There are things here and there that need to be bought or fixed. My own checking account has dwindled more than I expected. It takes forever to build it back up, too. Poor Jonathon's car quit on us, so he had to find a cheap (but good) replacement in a week. No stress there! Life just said "You don't have enough to worry about, take this too!". *sigh* He found something for $1,200. Not much for a car, but a big chunk out of the account. I hope we can recover quickly. I never wanted to live paycheck to paycheck...but who does? Once I start feeling ok about things, he talks to his ex and I get all worked up at what she has to say...and what he DOESN'T say back. I really wish he would stand up for himself...and for us. I know he is completely stressed out, also. I just hope one day he realizes he doesn't have to take it.
I've met the kids a few more times. I don't stay the night when they are there. I'm not sure if that's for my benefit or their's. I don't know if I can handle an overnight with them, yet. Though, I can't keep this up for much longer. We have yet to tell them they are getting a baby brother. Timing is a b*tch. Hopefully tomorrow. I am nervous about how they will handle it. Surely they notice that my belly is growing, but maybe they just think I'm fat. ha I know Tina thinks we are setting a bad example. None of us think that this is an ok way to do things, but it is happening. We are certainly not going to let them think it's ok, at the same time they need to know that this baby is not at fault and that he is a blessing. I just wish we were married already. It's not like I'm proud of myself for getting in this situation. I don't think Jonathon could feel much more guilty. It's gonna take awhile to make all this right, I just hope no one ever takes it out on the baby.
Speaking of baby...we still don't have a name. I can't help but think if all this other stuff weren't happening, we would have a lot more time and attention to spend on this miracle happening inside of me. I feel like I'm already neglecting him...and I feel like Jonathon is too. Not by choice, there's just only so much that can go around. I've been a bit more clingy lately. He used to say he liked that...but I'm not so sure anymore. He has the kids every other weekend now, so that leaves more time for us...which is nice. :) Also, he gets to spend more time with the girls at a time. At least, that's the idea.
Lord, give me the strength...PLEASE!

Life just keeps moving along

Seems so much has happened lately.

We found out we are having a boy! I cannot tell you how much this excites me. Jonathon's first son! They said everything looks good. We watched him move around on the ultrasound while the nurse did all the measurements. It was pretty amazing. We still have yet to agree on a name. 4 more months!
The bankruptcy has been filed, and all that mess is nearly behind us. The divorce continues to progress slowly...but things are finally getting SOMEwhere it seems. We took the condo. Lord, I pray we can afford it. It makes me very nervous, but we'll see how it goes. We have yet to actually move in.

I was supposed to go to Scotland, probably for the last time in a long time or ever. I was really looking forward to it. I knew the timing was bad, but I thought it was something I needed to do. Well, I ended up getting Jonathon's cold. It wasn't just any cold, it hit me hard and fast. It was more like a cold/flu...and of course it hit right before I was to leave. I just couldn't travel like that. I also didn't want to get my dad sick. It's been over a week and I'm just now getting over it. So...no Scotland. I was very bummed, and I still am...but I think some things happen for a reason. I guess this way I can work more and I did meet the kids sooner. I'll also be able to help move.

I met Jonathon's daughters. That was pretty interesting. They love me! At least, for now. We went to dinner, dairy queen, got flowers for their mother and granny for mother's day, then rented a movie. They bicker as siblings do. They are each so unique. They have their own problems and their own charms. It is certainly a lot to handle and digest as I have never really been around children much in my life. I hope we can always gets along, at least as best as possible.

I cannot believe I will be having my own child. I am nervous, so nervous. I have no idea what I'm doing. I need to look into all the classes I can take. It is so strange to feel him move around. That just started a week ago. This is really happening.

I love Jonathon so much, and I love this baby. I hope God will continue to bless us in these hard times.

Thank God for Jesus.

I thought I was stressed before, I'm about to hit the breaking point.
We STILL don't know where we are going to live. The condo would be great, but no one is confident we can afford it. So, we thought...how about his brother move in with us? That would be $200+ a month that we wouldn't have to pay him for watching the kids, and he said he would kick in a little. He doesn't really have a job...sooo...yeah. Benefit: -He would be there for the kids, and I think that would help them out a LOT. -It would help us with rent. -He cooks. Problem: -We have no bedroom furniture for him...nothing at all. -We won't have any privacy. All in all, it's just for a year. However, the way we spend money...I'm not as sure as I was that we can afford it. Also, I hate that we have to move in so soon. We don't really need a place till June or July.
I have no idea what's going on with the bankruptcy. Why is it taking SO FREAKING LONG?! It bothers me that she works at their office now, too. None of this is going quickly or smoothly it seems. Also, I still haven't met the kids. Today was going to be the day....again, but he is not confident about it. I'm not sure I should meet them then be gone for 4 weeks. I'll just have to meet them when I get back, hopefully I can hide my belly somehow.
Meanwhile, the divorce is halted because of all this bankruptcy stuff. I have no idea what's going on as far as her getting her own lawyer, etc. I just want something solid to stand on. I feel like I'm on quicksand and it's getting harder to breathe. I am more emotional which does not help anything. I am quick to anger and upset. In a way, I feel bad for Jonathon for having to deal with that...but at the same time, I feel like he doesn't really deal with it. He doesn't deal with ANYthing. It's infuriating! I feel so alone in this. Watching my friends and their pregnancies/babies does not help. Why can't we be excited? Oh yeah, we are too busy being ashamed. I'm tired of it. All of it.

I'm not ready!

All right, I'm a wee stressed out right now. Seems like after coasting for awhile, everything is now happening all at once! I am glad for the progress, but not for the timing. We knew all along this was bad timing, though.
We were approved for the condo! I'm pretty sure everyone was surprised by that. We just need to get a letter from his bankruptcy lawyer stating that the condo people won't be included in the creditors. That makes sense. I hope to get that by next week, that's when his lawyer said it would be ready anyway. Money is going to be tight, but I think we can do it. We move in May 1. I should say...he moves in May 1. I will be on a plane to Scotland for three weeks. Again, timing sucks! I guess at least I got out of moving....sorta. There will be lots for me to do when I get back, I am sure of that. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to go to Scotland. Not now anyway, too many things happening. Also, I won't have much money when I'm there and I'm not sure my father understands that. Money Money Money. There's just not enough for everything. We don't even have furniture, though I found some good cheap things on craigslist.
That would be one reason I'm stressed. #2: his other family. His ex asked if he was "shacking up" with someone, he said it wasn't her business. She agreed about that but then told him this wasn't a good time to do that. If only she knew WHY we were moving this fast. She said the kids are having a hard time. The oldest has been getting headaches, and all of them have been writing things in their journals at school about what's going on (which I think is a good thing). If only we could slow things down, but we are on a fixed timeline. I am sure the kids will adjust, how do all the other kids of divorced couples do it? How did I do it? ok, well I am not a good example...that was all around a bad time in my life. I just hope they don't view me the way I viewed my dad's wife. I'm sure they won't like me, that's to be expected...especially with what they hear from Tina. *sigh* I wish we could have done this differently, but what's done is done and we are trying to make things right.