I just pray things go up from here.

I'm just going to get right into it. These last few months have been the most difficult time in my life. I've been wanting to blog for quite awhile, but I always put it off. I don't know why, it's my way of venting. It's almost like I don't want to feel better.

Anyway, as my last post stated...my father is in trouble. Well, the wait was nearly torturous, but he pled guilty and in October was sentenced to 10 years. Honestly, I was expecting 20...so it was a bittersweet moment. Hopefully he will get out before the 10 years and have a little life left to spend with his kids. Prison itself will be $300+ a month. Not sure who is going to pay for that! None of us are well off, and he doesn't have money. One thing to worry about later, I suppose. I haven't even dealt with much of it yet. He shattered my trust. I find myself questioning people and things a lot more.

Prior to that, in August, Jonathon and I concieved a child. Right after it happened, I just knew. I ignored it until it was time to start worrying. That was the day to move stuff out of my dad's house. So there I was, feeling a bit light headed carrying heavy boxes in and out and up and down a hot house...loaded with caffiene. I was tired, blaming it on PMS, but I just knew. So the next day I get a pregnancy test. It was faint, but there was that familiar terrifying line. I was silently freaking out. I kept thinking about money, space, my sanity. We don't have a big enough car for all of us right now...even our condo is too small. My biggest concern was money and sanity, though. I have been battling depression for as long as I can recall, but in the past couple years it has been a very hard fight. I couldn't imagine taking care of a baby and Jonny. He is such a handful! That would be 5 kids total...when the girls are over. It was inconcievable (no pun intended). This all happened during Jonathon and my 1 year anniversary. It was not a pleasant dinner. I had so much anxiety I felt like I could have jumped out of my skin at any moment. I was snapping at him and Jonny over everything and I hated it. Talking to Jonathon did no good. I had my first dr appt and I completely broke down. I told her that I even considered aborting...which I can barely write to admit. I was at my wit's end. She told me right away that that was not a good decision for me, because I would regret it forever. She was right, there was no way I could do that. She prescribed me some lexapro...a small dose. It worked though. I could feel my anxiety ease and I was starting to get excited about the baby. It would be great for Jonny to have a little playmate. He is so good around babies. :)

September starts, Jonathon is finally having surgery for his hernias. He is to be off work 6 weeks. For a few weeks he couldn't even pick up Jonny. So now I'm taking care of everyone. The day of his surgery I start bleeding and cramping heavily. I called the dr and they said to keep my appt for that thursday (his surgery was on a monday). So I waited it out and didn't take any pain meds. Those were the longest 4 days, I tell you. It's hard to take care of someone who is healing while you are hurting. That thursday morning I miscarried. It was odd. I was scared, confused, and a little relieved. I hate to say that I was relieved, but it's true. At first I just wanted to forget about it, but the more I tried that the worse I felt. It was as if everyone was forgetting about it and I didn't like it.

During Jonathon's medical leave, we did not have any income. Short term disability was denied. He had no vacation or sick pay. Thank The Lord for my family. A few gifts REALLY made the difference. Without their help, it would have been even worse. Plus the whole time he was debating whether to stay with his job or take a new one. This put a lot of stress on both of us. We could have been trying to enjoy his time off as best we could, but no.

All that happened before my dad's sentencing...so I had that to worry about, too. Not to mention the normal stress of raising kids, paying bills, keeping a house in order, etc. I keep gaining weight and I have 0 energy to do anything about it.

Oh right, almost forgot...Jonny's birthday party. I had minimal time, attention, or money to spend on it. I wanted it to be good though! I rented a shelter at the park again. It was the only rainy day in awhile - figures. I had the party between mealtimes, so I could keep it light with snacks. It was a Super Why theme (he loves that show). So I had snacks and desserts dedicated mostly to the alphabet. Anyway, Jonathon's family throws parties a little differently. They have huge meals and lots of people. That's not how I do things, so to a certain person...it wasn't good enough. This person actually snubbed their nose and said something about it! I about cried. Have a little empathy! I have yet to talk to them about it, and I am not sure if I will. It hurt a lot, though. Like I didn't have enough going on? Ok, I'm still upset about that.

I am just now trying to start to heal. I am asking Jesus for help, because he is all I really have. My marriage isn't doing well. My lexapro isn't working anymore. My son is what keeps me going. I love him with all my heart. That's about it for now.