ramble.

Feeling so anxious and sad. I think I am ready to deal with things now. I'm ready to feel the pain and let it out. I just don't know how to start.
Right now, I feel I'm on the verge of breaking down...which would really be a good thing. However, I am forever watching my son. Even when he is napping, I cannot let go. I need to go somewhere alone for a whole day. I'm not sure when that'll happen.

The closer I get to my "due date", the more I am thinking about what things would have been like had I not lost the baby. A part of me is sad, of course. When I see babies on TV or at the store or when I'm working the nursery...I get a sinking feeling, like I'm missing something. I feel like I have so much more love to give. Jonny is not a cuddler, but I'm always trying to hug him and kiss him as much as I can. Another part of me is relieved still, because I do not know what I would do with Jonny and a baby. I might actually lose my mind. I know we don't have the finances, either. We are too old. We are too cramped. Etc, etc, etc. I can't help but think God would find a way if it were to happen, though.

I wish I weren't always tired. I want to be an active participant in my life...and the kids...and my husband. I feel like I'm just watching it go by from the outside. There goes another day. Not sure what I feel like my end goal is. I do not sieze the moment. I just live day to day, waiting to go to bed. I believe they call that depression. Yes, I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I am taking a low dose of lexapro, but it isn't working so well anymore. I really would like to not take anything, but all this repressed sadness and depression comes out in the form of anxiety and anger. I snap at people and I feel like a nervous wreck...it is horrible. The drug helps with that at least.

I am rambling. I need to see a professional, or at least get out more! I have 4 hours by myself on thursday, not sure what I'll do!